monica

wow its so weird how you can feel like you are doing something correctly but then next thing you know you are saying to yourself, what the fuck was i thinking for doing that. but i guess it really ant my fault becuase some people i guess just dont change. or they change in your eyes because you actually start to believe in them, but then next thing you know they are taken over by someone else and back to their old ways. but i actually wanted to give this a chance. i wanted to try it again. and i cant believe i actually thought it may be able to work. WOW i was wrong and confused. some people just need to grow up and stop acting so retarded. they need to just lay back and relax and be themself. even though they may think they are acting like theirself, someone else could tell them the exact opposite. which i have tried to do, when then it ended up like this, so i thought maybe it would be different now since it has been so long. but some people i guess just dont change like i said. or they just dont know how to FIX their little problem. . . . . when they know they need to and when someone else wants them to.

well long time no see. sorta. man i wish i was a good girl!! i really really really wish i was a good girl RIGHT NOW!!!!!!!!! MAN!, only if i was a good girl!!!!!!! damn i wannt be a good girl!!!!!!! becuase you know what if i was a good girl, god would like i was perfect and the bestest in the worl and he would give me Thursday tickets!! man only if i was a good girl. but you know that i'm not and i truly doubt i will walk home or be walking down the street and right there in front of me there is going to be some Thursday concert tickets. man i would do anything to get them tickets!!! man i would do anything. i mean i dont even know how much they are or anything but i only have $11.00 and i know they ant that cheap. SHIT! i would have enough too only if i didnt have to go and drop $30.00 and this damn hair cut! but man i want to go to that concert so bad!!! no body would hold me back if i got those tickets!! man shit! GOD!!! "havnt you people ever heard of closing the GOD DAMN DOOR!!!!" man such a great band! "our marriage is saved, this calls for a tost so pour the champainge."!!! ----yep yep yep Panic at the disco!!! DONT CHA KNOW!!!!!!!!!!! man i feel hyper right now, must be this hair dye getting to me. but man I WOULD DO ANYTHING FOR THOSE DAMN TICKETS!!ONLY IF I WAS A GOOD GIRL!!!!!! but yea la la la la la i love THURSDAY< SO WHY DONT THEY JUST GIVE ME THEIR TICKETS?? i mean they should KNOW ME by now.LOL. . . oh and you know what, the white strips sing We are going to be Friends, which is a good song and just happens to be on Napoleon Dynamite, but i didnt know that it was them, then i looked it up and i was like WOW!!GOSH!! HOW DANDY!!! YAY!!! but anyways, i dont have much to say for real besides

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!I WISH I WAS A GOOD GIRL TO GET THOSE DAMN THURSDAY TICKETS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

yea well things HAVE been interesting. sorta, nothing to out of the reagular. but i finally got on this sucky ass invention know as a computer. maybe it is just me but i hate computers DEEPLY, but maybe it is just my slow ass computer that makes me NEVER wanna get on. and now becuase this computer sucks so much dick i slammed the mouse and it is now fucked, so that makes everything totaly slower. but that is my fault. things have been better since the last time i wrote in this things. i dont feel so as alone as i did. but saturday i cried because i was alone from 1 in the afternoon till the next morning when i woke up. today wasnt that bad for real, i wasnt alone. this weekend we pretty much all hung out so there was always stuff to do. but i really did get pretty far down there last time i wrote in this. i was so messed up. i mean i really felt like no one cared about me what so ever. i guess it freaked me out and made me sad at the same time because i never had that feeling before because i usually have somebody there for me. i am never really alone feeling unwanted. i think it was thursday berkley and jesse came out with us but left becuase it was so cold. which indeed it was. then for some reason i called someone that day when i got home. then, afterwards, i wanted to slap myself in the face for doing it. i was like what was i thinking?!?!?! when i desided to actually call him i thought maybe we would have a pretty normaly discussion, boy was i wrong. it was totally ackward and i felt as if him and his friend were talking shit about me when i was ON THE PHONE with him AT THE SAME TIME. i was like WOW i sorta feel sorry for him no rather than myself becuase he obviously hasnt changed atall. he still is pretty much his same old self. but what do should i care though, not like we really talk anymore anyways or anything. but i thought the thing about berkley was fucking funny as hell. i was like ha! you were definitly lied to! about time though instead of the other way around.

wow. . . that was shocking. i just read my last entry and i just cant believe it. that was only in december and it is february now which means that was only two months ago and look at everything now. man i have so went down hill. COMPLETLY! i mean the things i was saying made me feel that actually we 'were' going to be the best of friends again, man all that shit we did and what i said. i cant believe i am sitting here feeling like this. the past uhh let me think here probably week, i have been feeling like my world is completing fucking up. i had to bitch at juan which he probably just told everyone anyways. and you know what i fucking hate that shit. i hate people. i hate myself. i just hate how people are so differnt to your face or when they talk to you, but then when you arent there or near them, they say the fucked up shit. i sometimes really cant take it no more. i want someone to talk to, but it feels like i have no one there to talk to. i feel alone. like no one is there for me, wait no one is there for me, i dont have no one i can talk to anymore. i lost that person a while ago. hell i thought then i had that person to talk to but the next thing i knew that changed. MAN what the fuck is wrong with me. i use to love that guy so much and hell last night i actually wanted to talk to him. actually wanted to. can you freakin believe it? i cant. but i did, i was so alone last i needed someone there for me, but then i found myself sitting alone having Allen ask me if i was okay. i mean ant that weird monica? have a fucking crack head ask you if you were alright? fuck yes it is, i mean he actually has a life, you dont. he had some where to go, some one to see. what about you monica? what were you doing? just left skating in the dark, crying over your helpless life. you maybe though the special plant helped, but just for those two hours it did, but what did you find later on. tears and finding yourself on your bed wanting a gun to put against your head just to pull the trigger. i mean i dont have anything or anyone. who am i going to get help from, who is going to talk to me when i am at the point-alone and about to blow my guts out? no one exactly. i mean the people at school that i thought were my friends are totaly changing and being drama queens. i dont want that shit. i want a better life a different one, my old life. i want to be happy again. i mean dont get me wrong i am happy, most of the time, but when i find myself alone. it fucks with my mind. i hate it. and i find myself alone alot of the time. at least everyday for like two hours. and it eats away at me. i sometimes dont know what to do about it. but i just go with it. but now i have to many guy friends, so whats next, i cant leave my house by myself or what? oh wait, i do that most of the time any ways, wonder around hoping to talk to someone. i find no one. man i hate this, i used to do so much, then things changed and i thought it was going good. that he was the one that had it worse, look now. he is fine and i am flipping out. and when i read my last entry it blew my mind, for real. i could actually picture that whole day and everything that went on perfectly. but liek you said we have so many memories to look back on. i think i just need to do something about my life. do soemthing about the way i feel. but i just dont know how. i dont wanna know how because everytime i think of how to change it, i get sad becuase it leads me to think about the past and the present. what i lost and what i have gained. which i really dont know what i have gained. you said i am probably happier now, and i really dont know if that is all so true. i mean even if we didnt get to hang out every day, just when charlie left or something like that, i just liked the feeling that i had you. that i knew you were there, we were friends. we were there for each other. we just didnt think about the other person, like i do now. i think about what we could be doing now, instead of how it is. i hate it but it is true. things could have been good but something happened. and it was just that one day. that one day chagned it all. isnt it amazing how it works? but yea i think to myself and i say i cant take it anymore, that i am going to make today a different day, i am going to take the next step to a better day, to a better feeling. but then the other side of me is like dont bother it would probably be a waste of time. i mean it would all happen again. i would get hurt by the hash words that would be said to me, which would just be called a joke or soemthing. but i wouldnt like it and i would be hurt, then you wouldnt care at first. then it would actually start to hit you and you would see what you just did. then you would be pissed at yourself like you used to be. then you may want to just run up and just hug me like you use to want to when you use to do things like that and we were mad at each other. but i guess it just dont work like that anymore. i guess i will never. but i dont know what my next move will be. i just know i am hoping it ant going to be a good one. hopfully a bad one that shocks everybody who once cared about me but now dont. it would shock them and they would think to themselfs what happened where did our friendship go? but who knows? who cares really about me and my big next dreadfull step? no one but my lonely, wondering mind.

okay it has been a while so let me begin. christmas has already come, which it seems like it shouldnt of because the weather is all weird right now. and i have had a good time latley. i probably walked a mile or two today. maybe. i walked to walgreens then from there to riteaid. and it was fun but man when i got to a bed i took a nap then walked to speedway to get a freezy. but man it was an alright day. i think it was the day before christmas eve, that was like totally fun! we hiked our asses through a feild of mud. and HAHAHAH you almost got stuck for good!! no but since i love you so dearly i came back for you. i saved your life i hope you know that. but yea that was totally fun, a blasy actually. and oh my god! i cant believe you did what you did! i cant believe first of all that i delayed christmas for you. then i cant believe you came to my door with roses!!!! dont get me wrong I LOVE THEM!! but i was so shocked! i couldnt believe it atall. it made me feel special. too special actually. like you shouldnt have gotten me that, if anything. but i felt roses were too much for me. like i didnt deserve them or something. but i love them deeply! thank you very much, i love you!! even though what my mom says about how she wondered how you feel and all about me to give me the roses, i think you did it not just because you felt like you should just becaue i got you something for your birthday. i think there was more to it then that for some reason. i know if i was to get someone roses i would have to care alot for them, so maybe that is it too. . . A???? that is just a guess though. but i still am shocked. i got my shoes today. they are the coolest of the cool! i also got a new purse a day or two ago. yea it was a little pricie but not by much only 70. but when you see it which you probably will. you are gunna want one i swear! but i am getting tired i am gunna get off here and get on like probably a light year from now. but i will see YOU in a day or better yet on Friday. i will come over or call you one to see if you are home. so give me a call ro something if you want to before then. it dont matter, just havnt talked to you in two days i need to make sure u didnt kill yourself doing them jump n jakes.lol well i am sleepy see you friday!! love you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! so much!!!! very much!!!!!!!!alot!!!!!!!!!!!!! i love you!!!!!!!!!! bye davy

Good morning sunshine the earth says hello!
well how has everyone been lately. right now i am at my brothers house because of a graduation party. and let me tell ya i am full as anything, i couldnt eat another bite if my life depended on it. but yea the food was really good, like four people brung different types of soups and it was pretty damn good. i think after this my mom is going to take me driving. i want to go because i have only been once. i want to learn so i can like drive them places or something. but yea. not much has happened today. besides going to kroger and now i am here. umm. well i have started talking to someone lately. which is pretty nice. i just cant really believe we are actually talking now. but it is very very cool. it seems like we are cathching up on old times or something. since it has been so long since we have talked. but i hope we dont have to lose contact like we did for like those four months like we did. but i guess it is all cool now since we are talking. which is pretty nice. but i guess you are gunna start being really really nice to me so we wont lose touch like we did. and i will also probably for give unlike what i said. but yea i am gunna get off of here. i am thirsty. so i will talk to you soon. and dont for get. . . say "Good morning sunshine the earth says hello."

OH MY GOD. . . today i went and took my permit test and i actually passed. my first time! i was so excited and after that my mom took me to papa johns stadium to drive around and omg i had her pressing that invisable break in the passenger seat and holding onto the window. she was a little scared you might say. but it was fun. man last night i had the weirdest dream, adn i really dont know why i had it, i think because of what i was thinking about before i fell asleep, like someone wise once told me. but it was like this. . . all of us that hang out in the neighborhood were like together in this back yard that was connected, and i mean everyone was they in this yard, cameron,charlie,davy,me,berkley,joe,chris,charles,jesse,vanessa,and shawn. well it started off with me and davy sitting at this picnic table and we werent even talking to each other, just sitting there. well then chirs joe and charles walk over and like just talking to him so i just walk away and go home. i come back and i go up to them three which by the way were still talking to him and just start talking to them and lead them away from him. so he was left sitting there by himself. then teh next time i turned around to see what he was doing he was walking out of the yard leaving. well then me cameron and charlie follow him to charlies house into his backyard where he just sits down on a swing. when we walk back there he gets up and starts down the driveway. i follow him and tell them that i am gunna go now. and like right when i walk up to him, it was like the old days. like the days in teh summer, us joking around, messing with each other and just loving it together. and i think my dream was trying to tell me somthing like that is what i want again or something. like i want to be able to go up to him and just push him and laugh about it then give him a hug like that one day he got exreamly pissed at me for 'supposedly' yealling at billy. man that felt so good though, when he hugged me, because i knew he was sorry for what he did and i knew he really cared about me which i hope he stills does. because after these like 3 months i really am starting to miss him i think even though all the times i have called him a dick head and asshole along with berkley. i truly miss him now. i guess because it has been so long and such a long time and all. and my mom thinks i should leave him alone becuase she thinks he still likes me but i really dont know about that. but i want to just talk to him in a way. but then there is charlie and i know how he would react and then i know how davy would be to me if i talked to him, like a complet jack off. but i guess thats him, even though i wish badly for him to change. but then charlie said he will get over it sooner or later. so maybe after him it will be davys turn to step up to the plate. but i dont know maybe it is just because of mine and charlies deal and thats why he said that, but i dunno. but man davy you need to get your ass on the internet and talk to me sometime like forreal!!!and you need to start typing in your livejournal like forreal!!! give me something to read about you besides just wanting to talk to you. so yea you need to do that. and ye adavy i still love you very very much!

man today was pretty alright day. last night was pretty fun to. lazer blaze was sorta a blow though but wasnt all that bad. i got me some shoes at the mall at hot topic, i have wanted them for a while now and so i bought them i was going to in texas but i didnt wanna spend my money then. but omg Speeyway now since it is redone is like the coolest. . . . just because they have Jones Sodas in there and thats like the but after todays accident its popularity rate has went down. well i dropped my film off at Rite Aid after we dropped Megan off. then a hour later we rode our bikes up there so i could pick them up. but when we got up there we had to wait like 20 min the machine had been down, but when i got my pictures i couldnt wait to look at them because i fotgot what some of the pictures looked like. there was those ones from indiana which turned out to be very good. especially the one i took of davy in the car right before we left, when he was laying on his back in the abck seat. that was a really good picture of him because i hate to say it, he looked pretty amazing, just how he was just laying there and smilings at the camera. . . well then. . . let me get back to my story. after that we wanted to go to speedway to get some food, so we get there and we are looking around and cameron goes and pays for some donuts and comes back and acts like he was stealing it in front of us when actually he paid for it. but there was this black girl who worked there walking around looking for things to restock. and she looked over at us and so i am guessing since she didnt take him at the counter the other guy did, she may of thought he was really stealing something. so i think she went and told the guy who checked cameron out at the counter. and when charlie went to go pay for his stuff, i went to through my picture paper away and the guy who checked cameron out came up to me and was like "are you guys stealing anything? because if you are i am gunna have to call the cops and have them come arrest yall." and all i said was no we arent i sweat. then he was like "okay dont sweat it just dont do it." i mean damn what the fuck he even took cameron's money at the counter when he paid for it and he saw charlie paying for his shit up there, and we were in there earlir. but why would we like pay for something, steal something, then go buy something again. it is stupid. but it just pissed my off because just that there were three teenagers in there just looking around, he assumed that we were probably stealing something which pisses me off compley. but yea i havnt talked to someone in a long time and it is strange because i think last night it started to dawn on me that this wasnt how it was like 5 months ago, i dont know why it hit me but it did and out of no where. it just made me realize i guess that all those times together meant nothing or something. i just hope they did because if they didnt everything was a complete waste of time not just the last time i talked to him. which didnt go all so great, but i think that was more on his part. i think i am going to take my perment test tomorrow i forgot to friday because i came home early because i wasnt feeling so well. but i am glad i forgot because i had the days and the times mixed up so they wouldnt of even been open if we would have went. but i think tomorrow is the big day though. but whach i am probably going to fail the first time anyways. well i am gunna skyrocket out of here, i hope to talk to ya soon i am starting to miss ya. . later.

well well well i made it to the age of 16 after all. but man i cant believe it . . . . i am 16! yea today was my birthday and i really dont feel any different but i just cant wait to go and get my permet. i havnt been up to much lately i talked to an old friends mom, and i noticed she got her hair dyed and it looks really good on her. yea and at first when i was walking she didnt know it was me untill i said "Hi" and she was like "oh hey is that monica?" but yea we talked about hair for the most part and she said she liked mines but i cant ever tell when people are saying that just to be nice or if they really like it. but i guess i will take her word i dont think she would lie about it. but yea her hair looks good though, she told me that she wad scared to go to a redish color and i thought that was funny, because it is sorta scary to dye your hair a redish color because you really dont know how it is gunna turn out untill you do it. but yea i thought only i was like that though. yea that person didnt come outside though, i just wonder why not. i firgured he would have heard his mom's car door close and would see that she wasnt coming in yet and get worried and come check and open the door. well he didnt or he just looked out the window and saw who she was talking to and hurried and hid. but oh well i guess. . . . i mean shit what was i expecting. well later . . .

well well looks like i made it back to the great kentucky after all. just sorry i couldnt type on here sooner. it just always seems like my dad is on every fucking night and i can never get on. damn him. well i guess it is now my turn to start learning that dreaded book, hopfully you know what i am talking about. the drivers ED book. yep yep i am turning 16 this up coming wed and i cant wait! i want to get my permet so bad but i just hate it that i have to study all that shit. but i know most of it but whatch i am gunna fail it like 5 times. yea but i think i am gunna have to get some people together at least this is what i want to do, and go to lazer blaze. it sounds like fun so i was like what the fuck ya know? so i think i am going to do that saturday and just get pizza nad cake. which by the way Snappy Tomatoes pizza is the best in the world! and that is so the kind i am going to eat on my birthday. you should really try it if you havnt yet. it is the shit. well i am gunna go becuase my ahnds are starting to get cold from typeing but oh yea. . . like a couple of days ago i think it was tuesday at butler we got our deficientcies and i found out i have 2 classes of which i have a D in. but what was weird is that my mom didnt flip out or anything. but i am bringing my grades up becuase it was my test grades that made my grade low. and the past test i got back in english was a 86 and i took a biology quiz today and i know i passed porbably with like a 100 because i studied my ass off. which i have to do tonight for the test tomorrow. well i am gunna sky rocket out of here i need to put my brain to work and start my studying!!!!!!!!!!!!!

yea well today is my last day here in the big and wonderful Texas. . . wow i cant wait to leave in a way. . . but also i am dreading that long ass drive to Memphis where we are going to stay at a casino hotel, which is really very nice. but i think we are leaving here in a hour or so and it just started raining here. oh man last night we went to this resturant called Chipole and omg it was so freakin good. it is a mexican grill and i ate a burrito bol(correct spelling), which has no tortia or anything it is just rice on the bottom of a bowl and you get to pick what you want on it. it was sorta like a subway for mexican food. then we went to see The Fog which wasnt really all that great. and it was in the ghetto. omg i mean when we were whatching it there was babies crying and a person with a laser pen. and half way through the movie the lights came on and started flickering. i was like no ing way. . . but yea we had a good time here though exspecially yesterday we went shopping and i went with 146 and now i have like 70 so i think i did good because i still have some left over n all. but man we have like a 6-7 hour drive ahead of us today and tomorrow like a 6 but today seems so long becuase we go threw Arkansas and it is the worse state in the world because it is so boring. but yea i guess i will go becuase my mom wants me to take the stuff to the car. well talk on here when i get back in Kentucky!!!

hey well this is very very strange, this seems like a new thing to me again. . .man i havnt been on here in a long time. i cant even remember the last time i got on here. well i am in texas right now and omg it is completly boring, i mean there is nothing to do we have been here two days and all we did yesterday was go ass bowling. oh yea of which were i talked to "davy". man i d it, i swear the last time i talked to him was just a complet waste of my times. i mean what the is he to me now? nothing basically and why the hell should i care. i mean i dont want to talk or even be friends with someone who really dont give a about me and is like i will go mess up her life today and then just ing leave like it is nothing. i swear a complet waste of my time. but yea when i talked to him he is still exactly the same, still a and jerk but like he cares. but anyways yea omg christmas is comeing up and i cant wait. it is going to be a great time and exciting. and yea right now stephanie is playing DDR and dancing it to the Big House song. ya know where it goes 'shes a big . . .house. . . .' or what ever the it says. but yea it is funny as hell. well i am gunna go i just thought i would get on here and type something up because its been a while. but yea u still have to tell me that one thing about stephanie or show me- what ever you were talking about. . . if ya know i am around or something and you can or if i talk to you instead of walking right on by. but yea sometime or another because i want to know what you were talking about. . .

at least one person understands where i am coming from. she knows how stupid you are acting becuase you keep whinning about how much you wanna talk to me and everything but you never do. and like you said you have had your times to talk to me but never do. we both think that is really stupid because you still sit there and complain about not being able to talk to me and everything. it is really stupid. and then when you cme around adn you have your chance you never take it. like today when she was out and you rode by like twice she was yelling at you, "you are missing your chance!" and then when it was us three you didnt even make any kind of motion to communicate with me, you then just skate off. and you know why i didnt come up to you and start talking, that was because i ant gunna. and for real you are totally showing how badly you want to talk to me, and it looks like not that bad for real. i mean i would talk to you and all by i ant gunna be the first one like always. you know, you just need to step it up. and she feels the same, i mean if you want to so bad you should just do it. and she told me when she talked to you about it last night on the internet that you said yea the next time you saw me and got the chance to you would but yet another day and yet another chance goes by and you didnt . . . man i dont understand you atall.

later . . . . .untill then . . .

today was like no other. first i wake up and start the day like off like no other day, and everything is going fine. n i get ready for work as always. but today i acually could have died. i get to work and my boss askes me to work 30 mins over bc katie needs to leave early to go with he family. so i agree and took the 30 more mins. well katie left at 8 and so that left me up front by my self and tisha who is always in cahrge when the boss and there bc she is like the manager. and then also lee who has only been working there for like 4 weeks. and i didnt have nothing to do and so i was talking to tisha through the window and this guy starts walking in so she tells me some one is about to walk in. i turn and there is this black walking up to the door. well he comes in and i ask him if it was for here or to go and all of a sudden he pulls out a gun, and i back up and gasp and look at tisha, she automatically comes running out and he tells me to give him the money and open the register. i try i open the register but i am so scared that i hit the wrong button and a sound goes off so tisha comes over and does it for me and she tells me to get a bag. so we put the money in it and she goes to the next one and he lefts his guns to show ehr he still has it and she puts the money from the register in the bag. after that he just calmly walks out like he did when he walks in. and right away i go off to the hallway and she runs to lock the door. lee was doing the dishes so he didnt see anything or hear anything. she is yelling for him to come and get in the office but he cant hear so i yell through the door and he comes and we sit n there and lock the door and tisha calls the police. man i was shaking so bad and so was she. she could barely call the numbers, and i was about to cry. then the cops and the owner, well the boss, came. . . it seemed like it took them forever to get there. we closed early and all but man i could have died today. and they say it is the same guy that robbed family dollar. and man i will never forget that feeling i swear to god i wont. i wont foget that feeling i got when i turned to see who was coming in the door, bc right when i saw him i got this bad feeling that something wrong was about to happen, and it did. its just the worst feeling in the world. like no other. and i just never thought something like that would happen to me and then it does. u just really never know what could happen, i am just glad nobody got hurt or anything. i hope they get this guy to and lock his ass up. man now i am gunna be more fuckn racist then ever. bc like first i just didnt like black people for how they act n shit n what they do. . . now i dont like them alot dont even fucking matter, so now i am raciest more then ever against them bc one of them fuckin pointed a gun at me and i ant for that shit. bc it scared the hell out of me and it made me want to cry, all for a fucking nigger. so now that race dont mean a thing to me. i have a theory now which i hope to some hoe accomplish. that is to take all the blacks and the people in prisons n jails n everything. put them on the continent Austrilla bc it is an island n also a continent, so they would be far away from everyone else, and just let them be. not have whites or no tother race comunicate with them help them or anythign. just leave them by, leave them there to die of bad health, by being killed, i dont give a fuck. just have the whole race be whipped off the globe. they are all worthless anyways, they dont matter to the population. they all need to burn in hell. well i dont what to think about it no more, it seems like a bad nighmare and i just want to stop thinking about it well at least try to and all. but yea im a little tired. . . .dont take life so fast, slow it down. . . .


i love you

okay thats straight. . . but i would have figured you would want to come up and talk to me! i mean what the fuck, you didnt do shit, you just rode by. i mean what u didnt think about coming and seeing me this morning, and so when u get the perfect chance you ride by. i mean what was going through your mind? i mean tell me because i have no idea what so ever. to me it was just plain stupidness. i just didnt understand what so ever atall . . . just put it that way. but yea, what you dont get on the internet no more or something??? i guess its the other way around now. instead of you sitting in front of ur computer screen seeing if i am gunna get on, its the other way around this time. i get on and wait to see if u r gunna get on. and you know what you never do. man so now i NEVER get to talk to you.bc this was our ONLY way of communicating bc u never come and talk to me anymore. but that okay, even though it is the stupidest thing in the world. i was talking to Him a couple days ago and i told him about what u said in your journal. like how u want to come and just talk to me with no presure but u cant because u would get punched. well he said something i didnt expect. he was like i dont see why he says that because he shoudl just come on talk to you bc i know u two are never gunna let go of each other, so it shouldnt matter. so hey lookie here, he knows me and u r gunna always want to talk, so i guess he just means we shouldnt not talk bc he knows we want to. so thats just something for you to think about there . . . . nifty isnt it?


. . .*~*i love you*~* . . .

well today was really not that good of a day. first off it rained all day and that blew balls. then i find myself crying under a unbrella walking in the rain. man ti jsut fucking sucked from that point on and then for like the next hour and a half. man i was feeling so down and i needed to talk to someone that cared about me, and so i calle him. but when i asked if what he was doing to see if he had time to talk, he just said he had to go someplace. and i was just like man fuck. i was really needing someone to talk to and he was the first person that popped in my mind, even though i havnt seen him in eternity. and then when i had in my head that he would stay on the phone and talk to me, man who was i kidding, i should know by now that he ant there for me nomore. he dont want to talk to me when i am down and i am crying in the rain. he dont want to be there for me no more, so he wont be. i just wish he would be . . . . . . . .

how dare you not think i wouldnt miss you and that i would just forget about you? how the hell could i do that? . . .huh? . . . man there would be no way i would be able to do that, atall. but man i wish you could just come up and start talking to me 'no balls', but then again you say you have pressure. there really ant a big deal i dont think you need to be scared of him no more, i dont think he wants to do anything no more bc of what jesse said. . . but newyays . . . i wish you would for real. i think we may have some more moments like we use to have, i just dont know when. it is sorta hard to tell with this person always being scared to come up and talk to me. but yea things may and will cool down and things wont be said when we talk probably when things cool down. they will eventually. man but yea of cource i miss you, look at all the shit we done together over the summer. for like 3 months straight we were stuck up each others butt! there are so many memories. so many great ones and then there were those ones that we wish werent there, but all worth while. man u just dont need to think that i would forget about you. i would never. . . i will always think about, i would never forget about you. not even in my whole life. . . .

-*~*i love you*~*-

i havnt been on the internet at all really and when i did get on i didnt even think about getting on this old thing. man some shit has happened and it really ant that good. it looks like again i am gunna be between two people again. . . this time i didnt have to really be between the two of them but after stupido had to go and run his little mouth which he obviously cant control, and now it is like it always was, me not being able to see this person unless my boyfriend dont even know. which i really dont like to do because he always finds out somehow and freaks out even more when he finds out i hide it from him. but yea it seems like stupido is going to get beat up probably. but hey who knows. . . . man it sucks though because when i heard what he said to make the other one mad i was just like man fuck him. why the hell should i even want to hang out with him when all he does is run his mouth and say shit when he knows he shouldnt. and it just made me really really pissed off! and so i was like man i ant never gunna really talk to him again, but then he called me that night and i knew i wouldnt be able to keep my word, but i was thinking man i am gunna try too. i already know i ant because i already feel like talking to him but i mean i never see him and if i do he dont talk or he is a jerk to me or other people are around, and god fobid if it is berkley, he will freak out!!GOSH! but yea i really dont know what to do becaudr since i already said something to charlie about not wanting to ever talk to davy again he thought i really ment it, then i told him about the phone call and he was just like watch what u say next time and make sure u mean it. so i dont know what to do. i will probably just let things take there own course and let them go what ever way they want to go. yea ill do that and see what happens. BUT HEY U BETTER TELL ME WHAT YOU MENT BY THAT EMAIL... IF YOU EVEN READ THIS!!!


bye
monica

okay i fucking am waiting a week bc like three of the people that were going lsat week to the haunted house couldnt go. we pushed it back and put it purposly on a friday bc of lauryn. well damn here her shit is again, every fucknig time! now after eeryone knows it is on friday lauryn just syas she ant going no more period, her n her faggot ass boyfriend and her ex boyfriend are going to go do something with skateboarding. like what the fuck. i just keep telling myself we didnt push it back for her, we did it so cameron can go. *repeat over and over utill nailed into the side of your head!!* but man it pisses me off this is her third time doing this. like last year at LRS Fest, we aske dher and she was like yea then she backed out again. then this year at LRS Fest she did the same thing but jsut said she was grounded and couldnt do anything but jsut happened to go out shopping that night. then now, she couldnt go last saturday but said she would be able to go friday and look at it now she ant fucking going. fuck it i ant letting it get to me. bc either way my ass is going to that haunted house!
man and this weekend i have to make a eatabel cell. man i have instructions n shit but i can tell this is gunna be hard to make. i have to make it out of jello n shit. this fucknig sucks ass. man today hasnt been all that great, i jsut dont knwo why thoguht. man six period i feel asleep and has sitting indian style in my chair. and i woke up when the counclor came on with the afternoon sayings. nad i had just woke up and when i put my feet down they were alseep up to my knees and the bel was about to ring. i was like OH SHIT! bc i knew i wasnt gunna be able to walk. so when the bell rang i stood up adn almost fell back in ym set so i let this guy go ahead of me. and when i tried to walk one of my feet hit a desk bc i couldnt control it due to the no feelnig in the leg. damn indians! and now i am talknig with this "guy" and it dont seem to be a good conversation, we are talking about this "problem" and i am thinking bout it, and i jsut wish we *both me and him* didnt really have to care about it. but ti is a problem that we cant overcome. i just wish we could though. i mena not till then i guess i will have to only see and talk to him when ever i have time. which is like after work and no one knows were i am . well wait i will just say this, i guess when i can sneak it from cameron and charlie. sounds pretty stupid and ridculous.

yea this day sucked total ass. first off i had to start my day off at the hell hole of a place moby fucking dick. man then when i get off from work i go to davy's. everything is going fine untill i have to go get my shit and i feel so bad because i wanted to stay and like talk to him because we never get to talk to each other anymore. then come to fine out we dont even end up going to the tb hospital because everyone is complet fags! like first i cant even get ahold of my friends from school and when i get ahold of one she says the other one probably wont even be able to go. and that is exactly it, she cant go because she is at the lake and her boyfriend cant go. and also cameron couldnt go because of his parents. man so now we changed it to friday. and man i dont care what happens i am fucking going friday i dont give a fuck! but yea i was totally pissed of and bored out of my mind the rest of the day. that was like the one thing i was pumped up to do and man ohhh we ant even going no more. but my mom, my bro, and his wife,and me n charlie go up to the tb hospital to see what it looks like close up and what the cost is and the times. and man it looks scary as fuck! and that was just in the day time so i mean just wait till it is night time and eveything is pitch black in that place because i dought they have lights and if they do they will probably be scary lights or something. but yea it is $20 per person but that is for 2 haunted houses. so we are probably gunna do that. btoh of them are on the first level. i dont even think you can get on the other levels. but then micheal myers was just standing up there looking out over the people standing by their cars. yea but after that whole incident i was compltly pissed off. and i am sorry that i didnt like look over at you to gesture 'hi' or anything when you rode by. i was jsut to mad and i was scared if i did look over at you i would have a pissed off exprssion on my face and you would be like what the fuck is your problem. but im sorry. yea me and you will have to see each other another time because this time it didnt work out at all. it ended really wrong. but yea we will HAVE to.

*love ya*

~.~BYE~.~